This is often what clients who seek my help ask me in a first session. Because they have never learned to manage and learn from their pain, they want to avoid it, eliminate it – find a way to hide from it.
The problem is that they have been unsuccessfully hiding from their pain for years by abandoning themselves – by staying focused in their head rather than their body, hoping that if they avoid feeling their feelings, the feelings will go away. They have been judging their feelings and turning to various addictions for the same reason.
When trouble comes, which it inevitably does, they intensify their avoidance of their feelings. Continue reading Are You Hiding?
Do you try to control during conflict, or are you conflict avoidant? Neither works well to resolve conflict. Discover what does work!
Leslie asks:
“When I approach my partner to address an issue, he only sees me as controlling and creating ‘controversy’. He can barely stand in the room for more than a minute…and it ALWAYS escalates into a big frustrating fight. It seems IMPOSSIBLE to deal with any issues with this man. What do you suggest?”
Leslie, I suggest that, instead of discounting what your partner says about you being controlling, you go inside and be honest with yourself regarding your intent. Are you certain that when you address an issue with your partner you are truly open to learning about his very good reasons for doing what he does and about why it is upsetting to you, or are you trying to get him to change? If you are trying to get him to change, then this is why he sees you as controlling. The fact that it always escalates into a big fight leads me to believe that you are trying to control rather than learn. If you were truly wanting to learn, then if he became resistant or agitated, you would move into an intent to learn about why he was feelings this way, or you would disengage rather than fight. Continue reading The Challenge of Conflict
Infidelity is a huge challenge, but relationships can heal from this and actually become stronger.
Sheldon wrote this question to me during one of my free webinars:
“I am trying to repair my 20-year marriage after my infidelity. I was discovered by my wife two years ago. I had been visiting massage parlors and prostitutes for a period of three years. We spent six months in counseling and made a little progress, but stopped going because of issues with our counselor. My wife is still suspicious of me and has no trust in me at all. How long should I expect before I can regain a little bit of trust. I know that I can’t live the rest of my life like this.”
Sheldon, infidelity is a very challenging issue and there is much to learn from it. Something I’m not hearing in your question is what you have learned in the last two years since your wife discovered your infidelity. Visiting massage parlors and prostitutes is a sign of deep self-abandonment. Seeking these experiences indicates that you felt empty inside and were looking to be filled up externally through sexual experiences. If you have not done the inner work of discovering how you were abandoning yourself and have not learned to love yourself, fill yourself, and be a trustworthy loving adult toward yourself and your wife, then it is unrealistic for her to trust you. Continue reading Healing From Infidelity
Giving to others from a full heart brings great joy. Watching this 1 minute movie, “What Brings You Joy To Give?,” will remind you of what you enjoy giving to others.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured . . . → Read More: Inspirational Video: What Brings You Joy To Give?
Do you have mostly one-way or two-way conversations? What kind of conversationalist are you?
What happens in your conversations with people? The kind of conversation you have with someone says a lot about both you and them.
There are mainly two kinds of conversations: one-way conversations and two-way conversations.
One-Way Conversations
My client, Henry, complained to me that his girlfriend, Giselle, rarely asks him questions about himself, and when she does, she doesn’t respond to his answer but instead goes into something about her. While he is very attracted to her, he is starting to feel lonely with her and uncared for by her. However, Henry does not take loving care of himself in the relationship. From the beginning, because he was so attracted to Giselle, he ignored the signs that something was amiss in the relationship. He was afraid to speak up for himself and ask her, with a true intent to learn, why she does this. Now that they have been together for four months, this is becoming a big issue with him. But all this time Giselle thought it was okay with Henry that she did this, since he never said anything. Continue reading The Art of Conversation
Do you love your partner but find that the intensity and intimacy have become muted? Discover why.
Patti asked the following question in one of my webinars on sexuality:
I am now going out with the man of my dreams. I have wanted to be in relationship with him for so long. We used to be friends and I would be so excited to see him. Yet now that we are in a relationship (5 months), I am quietly happy, but the level of excitement I used to have seems to have disappeared. I don’t seem to be able to access the range of emotions I ordinarily have. Would appreciate your insights. Thank you.
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