Dr. Margaret PaulDr. Margaret Paul, co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® self-healing process, the SelfQuest self-healing software program and also the author/co-author of several best-selling books.

Margaret holds a Ph.D. in psychology and is a relationship expert, public speaker, seminar leader, consultant, facilitator, and artist. She has appeared on many radio and TV shows, including the Oprah show. She has successfully worked with thousands of individuals, couples and business relationships and taught classes and seminars for over 42 years.
Innerbonding Village

The ONE Major Cause of Relationship Problems!

Posted on : 28-06-2010 | By : Margaret | In : Self Improvement & Personal Growth

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What if there really is ONE major cause of relationship problems, one issue that if you address, would change everything? The good news and the bad news is – there is!

The good news is that it makes it easier to understand why you might be having problems in your relationship.

The bad news is that to resolve the issue takes a deep personal commitment to heal.

“I Want to Love But I Can’t Give Up Control”

Posted on : 20-06-2010 | By : Margaret | In : Relationships, Self Improvement & Personal Growth, Spiritual Growth

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Peter had been working with me on the phone for a number of months. He had sought my help because of problems in his relationship with his wife, Anika.

Peter grew up with an extremely empty, invasive, controlling mother and an extremely empty emotionally withdrawn father. His mother constantly pulled on Peter to fill her up with his praise and attention.

Are You Caring or Caretaking?

Posted on : 14-06-2010 | By : Margaret | In : Relationships, Self Improvement & Personal Growth

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Caring = giving to another from love, for the joy of it – as a free gift
Caretaking = giving to get love, giving with an agenda attached, giving yourself up

Even though the actions of caring and the actions of caretaking might look exactly the same, the intention is totally different, so the energy of the actions is also completely different.

Sandy is a caretaker. She is constantly doing things for others – sometimes because they ask her to and other times because she believes that is what they want and expect. The problem is that Sandy often abandons herself to give to others, and then expects others to give back to her and fill the emptiness within her caused by her self-abandonment. She ignores her own feelings and uses giving to others as an addiction to avoid responsibility for herself. She uses her caretaking as a form of control to try to get others to like and value her, rather than learning to like and value herself.

“Why Won’t my Partner Have Sex With Me?”

Posted on : 07-06-2010 | By : Margaret | In : Self Improvement & Personal Growth

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I have worked with individuals and couples for the past 42 years, and I have heard this question countless times: “Why doesn’t my partner want to have sex with me?”

Over and over, I discover that there is often ONE major reason he or she doesn’t want to have sex.

Take Lawrence as an example. Lawrence learned as an adolescent to use sex addictively. He would find his father’s porn magazines that his father thought were hidden away and use them to satisfy himself. As he grew older, he learned to use the Internet for the same purpose – turning to his sexual addiction to fill the inner emptiness that came from his self-abandonment. Because Lawrence had never learned to take responsibility for his own feelings, he had learned to use not only sex, but wine and anger as well to fill his emptiness and take away his aloneness.

“Why Are My Partners Always Needy?”

Posted on : 29-05-2010 | By : Margaret | In : Relationships, Self Improvement & Personal Growth

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Angelo had been married to Serena for 15 years before divorcing. In his marriage, Angelo was a caretaker, always trying to please Serena, always trying to get her approval and avoid her disapproval. Serena was a taker – handing responsibility to Angelo for her happiness and often angry with him when he didn’t do what she wanted. Inside, Serena was deeply insecure, too insecure to even work, so she completely relied on Angelo financially.

The Relationship Trap: “Let’s Talk”

Posted on : 24-05-2010 | By : Margaret | In : Relationships, Self Improvement & Personal Growth

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“Let’s talk tonight,” said Callie.

“Oh no, not again!” thought Darren as he gave Callie a blank stare, feeling like a deer in the headlights.

Darren knew from past experience that “Let’s talk,” meant, “Let’s talking about what you are doing wrong, and about how you are not meeting my needs, and about how hurt and unloved I feel.”

Do You Get Frustrated With Others?

Posted on : 14-04-2010 | By : Margaret | In : Relationships, Self Improvement & Personal Growth

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“I feel so frustrated when Mark is late,” complained Shauna, during our phone session. “What am I supposed to do with all this frustration?”

Shauna believed that her feeling of frustration was being caused by Mark. But this was not the case.

Gaining Others’ Respect

Posted on : 01-03-2010 | By : Margaret | In : Relationships, Self Improvement & Personal Growth, Spiritual Growth

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We all want to be respected by others. And, we would all love to have control over whether or not others treat us respectfully. Is this realistic?

Nigel, one of my clients, has a lot of confusion about this issue. He believes that people, especially his wife and children, “should” be respectful to him, and he gets very angry when they treat him disrespectfully – which they often do.

What Nigel has failed to understand  – which is what led him to seek my help – is that others are often a mirror of how we treat ourselves.

Much of my work with Nigel has centered around becoming aware of the many ways he disrespects himself and what would be respectful to himself.

Emotionally:

  • He often judges his own feelings, discounting his feelings and telling himself that he “shouldn’t” feel this way.
  • He often ignores his feelings, staying focused in his head instead of his body, and turning to addictions, such as sugar and TV to numb his feelings.
  • He sees himself as a victim of others’ choices, making others responsible for his feelings rather than taking responsibility for his own pain and joy.

Physically:

Controlling Behavior, Loving Behavior

Posted on : 28-02-2010 | By : Margaret | In : Relationships, Self Improvement & Personal Growth

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When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were on the verge of divorce after 16 years of marriage. Neither really wanted to end the marriage, yet both were miserable. Both of them believed that their misery was because of the other person, and both could clearly articulate what the other person was doing wrong.

“Tiffany is just so distant and unaffectionate most of the time, and when we are together she is so critical of me. I can’t seem to do anything right in her eyes. I try really hard to please her, but no matter what I do, it’s not good enough.”

“I just can’t seem to connect with Zack. He’s a really nice guy but I just can’t feel anything with him. I feel irritated with him a lot and I don’t really know why. He just annoys me. I feel like he’s always wanting something from me and I just don’t like being around him. And he’s so darn nice! What’s wrong with me that I don’t like someone being so nice?”

I could see immediately that the underlying problem in this relationship was that both Zack and Tiffany were stuck in various forms of controlling behavior, yet neither of them were consciously trying to control.

How Do You Try to Control Getting Love?

Posted on : 24-02-2010 | By : Margaret | In : Addictions, Relationships, Self Improvement & Personal Growth, Spiritual Growth

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All of us learned, as young children, to try to have control over getting love and avoiding pain, but now these ways we’ve learned to control are often causing our pain and relationship problems. Discover some of the way you’ve learned to control and what you can do instead to create loving relationships.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Discover real love and intimacy! Visit her web site for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer: http://innerbonding.com/relationshipmicro/relationship-micro-1/ or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.