You Don’t Really Know Someone Until You Have Conflict

 

By Dr. Margaret Paul June 08, 2020

Do you sometimes wonder if you really know the person you are dating?

People often ask me how they can know whether or not someone they are dating is really an open and caring person.

“He seems open and caring, but how can I . . . → Read More: You Don’t Really Know Someone Until You Have Conflict

Anger And Other Forms of Control

If you grew up in a family where one or both parents used anger to control you, then anger likely plays a role in your life now.

Did you grow up with anger in your household? Did one or both of your parents use anger as a way to keep you in line . . . → Read More: Anger And Other Forms of Control

How Not To Have A Wonderful Celebration

The control-resist system guarantees you won’t have a wonderful anything.

Adriann and Chandler are a sweet, successful couple in their early thirties. In spite of loving each other deeply, they often find themselves in conflict over seemingly minor issues, as most couples do. Recently, just one week before their 4th anniversary, they had a . . . → Read More: How Not To Have A Wonderful Celebration

Staying Centered in Conflict

Are you conflict-avoidant? Does conflict terrify you? Discover how to heal this.


Angela writes:

“I avoid conflict as much as possible because I cannot handle the anxiety it produces in me, as if I am going to die, even when I am in the presence of other people that are in conflict. I am aware that I abandon myself many times because I do not stand or fight for what I believe is right for me. I know we are going to encounter conflict in our daily life, it is part of it and I do not want to keep on feeling small at the presence of conflict. I want to be able to speak my truth, ask for what I need or stand for what I believe is right. How can I transform this, that is, how can I handle the anxiety and approach conflict in a more centered way?”

I completely understand what Angela experiences, as I used to feel the same anxiety, feeling like I was going to die. It took me many years to understand what I needed to do in conflict to no longer fear it. Continue reading Staying Centered in Conflict

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The Challenge of Conflict

Do you try to control during conflict, or are you conflict avoidant? Neither works well to resolve conflict. Discover what does work!


Leslie asks:

“When I approach my partner to address an issue, he only sees me as controlling and creating ‘controversy’. He can barely stand in the room for more than a minute…and it ALWAYS escalates into a big frustrating fight. It seems IMPOSSIBLE to deal with any issues with this man. What do you suggest?”

Leslie, I suggest that, instead of discounting what your partner says about you being controlling, you go inside and be honest with yourself regarding your intent. Are you certain that when you address an issue with your partner you are truly open to learning about his very good reasons for doing what he does and about why it is upsetting to you, or are you trying to get him to change? If you are trying to get him to change, then this is why he sees you as controlling. The fact that it always escalates into a big fight leads me to believe that you are trying to control rather than learn. If you were truly wanting to learn, then if he became resistant or agitated, you would move into an intent to learn about why he was feelings this way, or you would disengage rather than fight. Continue reading The Challenge of Conflict

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The Challenge of Accepting Our Helplessness Over Others

What do you do when you feel helpless over another’s choices? What is the result? Are you happy with how you manage this feeling?

Helplessness is a very difficult feeling. It can even feel like life or death to those of us who were left to cry for hours as babies, with no one coming to help us. Because we were so helpless over ourselves as babies and small children, it can trigger feelings of panic. It’s hard to remember, in these moments when fear is triggered, that as adults, we are not helpless over ourselves.

For many of us, the deep fear that got programmed into us as young children can trigger our wounded self’s desire to control, when we feel helpless over another’s choices.

What do you do when you feel helpless over another? Continue reading The Challenge of Accepting Our Helplessness Over Others

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