Do You Remember What You Say When You are Enraged?

Discover why any kind of engaging when someone is angry is a waste of energy.

“Rage can…shut off the hippocampus [linked to memory], and people with out-of-control anger may not be lying when they say they don’t recall what they said or did in that altered state of mind.” Mindsight, P.155 Daniel Siegel, M.D.

Have . . . → Read More: Do You Remember What You Say When You are Enraged?

The Challenge of Conflict

Do you try to control during conflict, or are you conflict avoidant? Neither works well to resolve conflict. Discover what does work!


Leslie asks:

“When I approach my partner to address an issue, he only sees me as controlling and creating ‘controversy’. He can barely stand in the room for more than a minute…and it ALWAYS escalates into a big frustrating fight. It seems IMPOSSIBLE to deal with any issues with this man. What do you suggest?”

Leslie, I suggest that, instead of discounting what your partner says about you being controlling, you go inside and be honest with yourself regarding your intent. Are you certain that when you address an issue with your partner you are truly open to learning about his very good reasons for doing what he does and about why it is upsetting to you, or are you trying to get him to change? If you are trying to get him to change, then this is why he sees you as controlling. The fact that it always escalates into a big fight leads me to believe that you are trying to control rather than learn. If you were truly wanting to learn, then if he became resistant or agitated, you would move into an intent to learn about why he was feelings this way, or you would disengage rather than fight. Continue reading The Challenge of Conflict

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Stop Escalating Conflict!

Do you get into fights that turn ugly as the conflict escalates? Discover how to stop doing this.


A participant in one of my webinars asked: “Is there any way to resolve conflict if you have two ‘escalating’ personalities trying to solve a problem? In other words, how do you resolve conflict between two very strong willed, always-right personalities, who tend to escalate with every attempt at solving conflict?”

There is a hard and fast rule about resolving conflict that most people find hard to remember: You cannot resolve conflict unless both people are open to learning.

As long as each person is trying to be right, win, or at least not lose, no new learning can take place. Conflict resolves when new learning occurs due to both people being open to learning about themselves and each other. Continue reading Stop Escalating Conflict!

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What to do When You Can’t Communicate

What do you usually do when you get stuck with someone and can’t communicate?

Do you:

  • Try harder to get your point across, talking louder or faster?
  • Get angry, shouting to intimidate the other person into hearing you and/or agreeing with you?
  • Cry in frustration?
  • Feel resigned, give in and just listen quietly to the other person?
  • Walk away or hang up the phone in a huff, withdrawing your love in the hope of punishing the other person into hearing you?
  • Grab a drink or food to avoid your feelings?
  • Turn on the TV or open a book?
  • Ruminate about how wrong the other person is and what you wish you could say to them?

What happens within you and with your relationship when you do any of these things? Continue reading What to do When You Can’t Communicate

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The Color of Conflict

This 1 minute inspirational video can remind you of the opportunities to learn that are inherent in all conflict.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. . . . → Read More: The Color of Conflict

Relationships: Do You Have the Same Conflicts Over and Over?

Kari and Rudy consulted with me because they kept having conflicts over the same issues over and over – primarily money, chores, and child-rearing. They were nearing the decision to separate, believing that they were incompatible.

I asked them to pick one of the issues and they picked a recent conflict regarding setting limits for their children. I asked them to discuss the issue and I immediately understood why they could not resolve their issues.

I explained to them that there are always two levels of communication:

  • The issue itself, such as their conflict regarding limits for their children;
  • The intent with which they were discussing the issue.

There are only two possible intents in discussing an issue with your partner: Continue reading Relationships: Do You Have the Same Conflicts Over and Over?

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