Anger And Other Forms of Control

If you grew up in a family where one or both parents used anger to control you, then anger likely plays a role in your life now.

Did you grow up with anger in your household? Did one or both of your parents use anger as a way to keep you in line . . . → Read More: Anger And Other Forms of Control

How Not To Have A Wonderful Celebration

The control-resist system guarantees you won’t have a wonderful anything.

Adriann and Chandler are a sweet, successful couple in their early thirties. In spite of loving each other deeply, they often find themselves in conflict over seemingly minor issues, as most couples do. Recently, just one week before their 4th anniversary, they had a . . . → Read More: How Not To Have A Wonderful Celebration

Do You Remember What You Say When You are Enraged?

Discover why any kind of engaging when someone is angry is a waste of energy.

“Rage can…shut off the hippocampus [linked to memory], and people with out-of-control anger may not be lying when they say they don’t recall what they said or did in that altered state of mind.” Mindsight, P.155 Daniel Siegel, M.D.

Have . . . → Read More: Do You Remember What You Say When You are Enraged?

The Challenge of Conflict

Do you try to control during conflict, or are you conflict avoidant? Neither works well to resolve conflict. Discover what does work!

Leslie asks:

“When I approach my partner to address an issue, he only sees me as controlling and creating ‘controversy’. He can barely stand in the room for more than a minute…and it ALWAYS escalates into a big frustrating fight. It seems IMPOSSIBLE to deal with any issues with this man. What do you suggest?”

Leslie, I suggest that, instead of discounting what your partner says about you being controlling, you go inside and be honest with yourself regarding your intent. Are you certain that when you address an issue with your partner you are truly open to learning about his very good reasons for doing what he does and about why it is upsetting to you, or are you trying to get him to change? If you are trying to get him to change, then this is why he sees you as controlling. The fact that it always escalates into a big fight leads me to believe that you are trying to control rather than learn. If you were truly wanting to learn, then if he became resistant or agitated, you would move into an intent to learn about why he was feelings this way, or you would disengage rather than fight. Continue reading The Challenge of Conflict


Stop Escalating Conflict!

Do you get into fights that turn ugly as the conflict escalates? Discover how to stop doing this.

A participant in one of my webinars asked: “Is there any way to resolve conflict if you have two ‘escalating’ personalities trying to solve a problem? In other words, how do you resolve conflict between two very strong willed, always-right personalities, who tend to escalate with every attempt at solving conflict?”

There is a hard and fast rule about resolving conflict that most people find hard to remember: You cannot resolve conflict unless both people are open to learning.

As long as each person is trying to be right, win, or at least not lose, no new learning can take place. Conflict resolves when new learning occurs due to both people being open to learning about themselves and each other. Continue reading Stop Escalating Conflict!


What to do When You Can’t Communicate

What do you usually do when you get stuck with someone and can’t communicate?

Do you:

  • Try harder to get your point across, talking louder or faster?
  • Get angry, shouting to intimidate the other person into hearing you and/or agreeing with you?
  • Cry in frustration?
  • Feel resigned, give in and just listen quietly to the other person?
  • Walk away or hang up the phone in a huff, withdrawing your love in the hope of punishing the other person into hearing you?
  • Grab a drink or food to avoid your feelings?
  • Turn on the TV or open a book?
  • Ruminate about how wrong the other person is and what you wish you could say to them?

What happens within you and with your relationship when you do any of these things? Continue reading What to do When You Can’t Communicate