What if there really is ONE major cause of relationship problems, one issue that if you address, would change everything? The good news and the bad news is – there is!

The good news is that it makes it easier to understand why you might be having problems in your relationship.

The bad news is that to resolve the issue takes a deep personal commitment to heal.

Even though the actions of caring and the actions of caretaking might look exactly the same, the intention is totally different, so the energy of the actions is also completely different.

Sandy is a caretaker. She is constantly doing things for others – sometimes because they ask her to and other times because she believes that is what they want and expect. The problem is that Sandy often abandons herself to give to others, and then expects others to give back to her and fill the emptiness within her caused by her self-abandonment. She ignores her own feelings and uses giving to others as an addiction to avoid responsibility for herself. She uses her caretaking as a form of control to try to get others to like and value her, rather than learning to like and value herself.

Over and over, I discover that there is often ONE major reason he or she doesn’t want to have sex.

Take Lawrence as an example. Lawrence learned as an adolescent to use sex addictively. He would find his father’s porn magazines that his father thought were hidden away and use them to satisfy himself. As he grew older, he learned to use the Internet for the same purpose – turning to his sexual addiction to fill the inner emptiness that came from his self-abandonment. Because Lawrence had never learned to take responsibility for his own feelings, he had learned to use not only sex, but wine and anger as well to fill his emptiness and take away his aloneness.

Take a moment to go inside and see how you define success. Is your success defined by:

• How much money you have?
• Having a big house and an expensive car?
• How expensive your clothes are?
• Traveling first class on airlines?
• How attractive you are?
• How attractive your partner is?
• How famous you are?
• Winning or being the best at something?
• How many beautiful people want to have sex with you?
• How many friends you have?
• How much attention and approval you get?

Unfortunately, the media often supports defining success in many of the above ways.

But are you successful just because you have a lot of money, even if you had to use others to get it? What if you made millions and others suffered as a result of your choices? What if you live in a big house and drive an expensive car but find it difficult to be loving to your partner or your children – or to yourself?

What if you defined success by how much to you contribute to another or to society? What if you define success by how kind you are to yourself and to others and by what you contribute to the world? What if success is not defined by how many widgets you sell, but by how many people you help and how joyful you are?

You are emotionally dependent when your happiness, sense of safety, and sense of worth are dependent upon others’ love, attention, and approval.

When you were growing up, perhaps you heard statements like:

“What will the neighbors think?”

“What will__(so and so)__think if you do that?”

Where you taught that what others think of you matters? That you are okay if you are approved of and not okay if you are not? Was your worth tied to your achievements – such as your grades or sports? Did you learn to define your worth externally by your performance or your looks?

Most people were brought up to believe that others are responsible for defining their worth, and the media certainly plays on this, implying that if you buy this car or that product, you will get the approval that defines you as worthy. The media even implies that the product itself somehow enhances your worth.

This is a hard way to live, as you have to constantly prove yourself. And what happens to your happiness, safety, and sense of self worth when you grow old and lose your looks, or you lose your money in a down market? What happens to your worth if you gain weight or never make it financially? Does this mean that you have no worth as a human being?

There are two major decisions you need to make to heal from emotional dependency: