We all want to be respected by others. And, we would all love to have control over whether or not others treat us respectfully. Is this realistic?

Nigel, one of my clients, has a lot of confusion about this issue. He believes that people, especially his wife and children, “should” be respectful to him, and he gets very angry when they treat him disrespectfully – which they often do.

What Nigel has failed to understand  – which is what led him to seek my help – is that others are often a mirror of how we treat ourselves.

Much of my work with Nigel has centered around becoming aware of the many ways he disrespects himself and what would be respectful to himself.

Emotionally:

• He often judges his own feelings, discounting his feelings and telling himself that he “shouldn’t” feel this way.
• He often ignores his feelings, staying focused in his head instead of his body, and turning to addictions, such as sugar and TV to numb his feelings.
• He sees himself as a victim of others’ choices, making others responsible for his feelings rather than taking responsibility for his own pain and joy.

Physically:

When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were on the verge of divorce after 16 years of marriage. Neither really wanted to end the marriage, yet both were miserable. Both of them believed that their misery was because of the other person, and both could clearly articulate what the other person was doing wrong.

“Tiffany is just so distant and unaffectionate most of the time, and when we are together she is so critical of me. I can’t seem to do anything right in her eyes. I try really hard to please her, but no matter what I do, it’s not good enough.”

“I just can’t seem to connect with Zack. He’s a really nice guy but I just can’t feel anything with him. I feel irritated with him a lot and I don’t really know why. He just annoys me. I feel like he’s always wanting something from me and I just don’t like being around him. And he’s so darn nice! What’s wrong with me that I don’t like someone being so nice?”

I could see immediately that the underlying problem in this relationship was that both Zack and Tiffany were stuck in various forms of controlling behavior, yet neither of them were consciously trying to control.

All of us learned, as young children, to try to have control over getting love and avoiding pain, but now these ways we’ve learned to control are often causing our pain and relationship problems. Discover some of the way you’ve learned to control and what you can do instead to create loving relationships.

Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of eight books, including “Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By You?” and “Healing Your Aloneness.” She is the co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® healing process. Discover real love and intimacy! Visit her web site for a FREE CD/DVD relationship offer: http://innerbonding.com/relationshipmicro/relationship-micro-1/ or email her at margaret@innerbonding.com. Phone Sessions Available.

The fear of rejection is a huge issue in relationships. For some, the fear is so huge that it stops them from being in a relationship. For others, it plagues them throughout their relationships and causes much anxiety.

Rejection is a part of life, and learning to lovingly manage it is very important to our wellbeing.

To help you learn to move beyond the fear of rejection, I would like to help you see who a person is rejecting when they reject you. Are they rejecting your wounded self or your core Self?

Do you live your life with your heart mostly open or mostly closed? Do you spend most of your time protecting against rejection or being taken advantage of, or most of your time open to sharing love with others?

As children, many people had very heartbreaking experiences that caused them to close their heart. What experiences led to you closing your heart?

* Various forms of physical and/or sexual abuse
* Various forms of emotional abuse, such as criticism, judgment, blame, ridicule, or sarcasm
* Being neglected, ignored, discounted, unseen
* Being engulfed and smothered by a parent – pulled on and used to fill up their emptiness
* Rejection by parents, siblings, and/or peers
* Loss of a parent through divorce or death
* Loss of a beloved sibling, friend, or relative
* Physical defects that created limitation

As children, when you experienced any of these and other very challenging situations, and there was no one there to lovingly help you through the pain, the heartbreak may have been too intense for you to manage and you might have closed your heart to survive. You may have learned to be in your head rather than your heart.

However, now, as adults, keeping your heart closed has many negative consequences. While it was necessary for your survival as a child, now it is causing you a lot of pain. As adults, we all need to learn to lovingly manage our heartbreak without closing down.

What Happens Now When You Keep Your Heart Closed?

Celine, an only child, was 7 years old, her mother died tragically in a car accident. She and her father were devastated. However, unlike so many of my clients who lost parents and no one was there for them, Celine’s father was completely there for her, even while dealing with his own grief and heartbreak. Celine could call him anytime at work and he would talk to her or come home to lovingly hold her. Because he was so completely there for her, her feelings of grief, heartbreak, sadness and sorrow did not get stuck in her body. Each time they came up, they were released due to the caring, compassion, tenderness, gentleness, consistency and understanding of her loving father.

As a result of her father’s love, Celine did not develop the fear of intimacy and loss that so many people experience as a result of the loss of the parent. She did not close her heart to protect herself from future loss.

However, most of us did not have loving parents to help us move through the heartbreaks of childhood. In fact, many us had parents that caused much of the heartbreak with various forms of abuse. We needed to numb out and find protections/addictions to manage the heartbreak and loneliness of rejection, abuse, and loss. As a result, the pain got stuck in our bodies, causing both physical and emotional damage.

What do Actress Lindsay Wagner and singing sensation Alanis Morissette recommend when it comes to
dealing with stress and relationship problems?…

They have a tool that provides them with a powerful self healing system
- featured on Oprah - for lasting freedom from
anxiety, depression,emptiness and addictions
- a tool that creates joy, fulfillment, and loving relationships!

Inner Bonding® is

a process so powerful it will

change your life forever!

Dr. Margaret Paul, co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® self-healing process, is the author/co-author of several best-selling books, including:

• Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?
• Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By You?…The Workbook
• Healing Your Aloneness
• Inner Bonding
• The Healing Your Aloneness Workbook
• Do I Have To Give Up Me to Be Loved By My Kids?
• Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?

Dr. Paul’s books have been distributed around the world and have been translated into many languages.

Dr. Margaret works with individuals and couples throughout the world – on the phone, via the web on http://www.innerbonding.com, in workshops, and in multi-day group intensive programs.