We all want to be respected by others. And, we would all love to have control over whether or not others treat us respectfully. Is this realistic?

Nigel, one of my clients, has a lot of confusion about this issue. He believes that people, especially his wife and children, “should” be respectful to him, and he gets very angry when they treat him disrespectfully – which they often do.

What Nigel has failed to understand  – which is what led him to seek my help – is that others are often a mirror of how we treat ourselves.

Much of my work with Nigel has centered around becoming aware of the many ways he disrespects himself and what would be respectful to himself.

Emotionally:

• He often judges his own feelings, discounting his feelings and telling himself that he “shouldn’t” feel this way.
• He often ignores his feelings, staying focused in his head instead of his body, and turning to addictions, such as sugar and TV to numb his feelings.
• He sees himself as a victim of others’ choices, making others responsible for his feelings rather than taking responsibility for his own pain and joy.

Physically:

Do you live your life with your heart mostly open or mostly closed? Do you spend most of your time protecting against rejection or being taken advantage of, or most of your time open to sharing love with others?

As children, many people had very heartbreaking experiences that caused them to close their heart. What experiences led to you closing your heart?

* Various forms of physical and/or sexual abuse
* Various forms of emotional abuse, such as criticism, judgment, blame, ridicule, or sarcasm
* Being neglected, ignored, discounted, unseen
* Being engulfed and smothered by a parent – pulled on and used to fill up their emptiness
* Rejection by parents, siblings, and/or peers
* Loss of a parent through divorce or death
* Loss of a beloved sibling, friend, or relative
* Physical defects that created limitation

As children, when you experienced any of these and other very challenging situations, and there was no one there to lovingly help you through the pain, the heartbreak may have been too intense for you to manage and you might have closed your heart to survive. You may have learned to be in your head rather than your heart.

However, now, as adults, keeping your heart closed has many negative consequences. While it was necessary for your survival as a child, now it is causing you a lot of pain. As adults, we all need to learn to lovingly manage our heartbreak without closing down.

What Happens Now When You Keep Your Heart Closed?