This is often what clients who seek my help ask me in a first session. Because they have never learned to manage and learn from their pain, they want to avoid it, eliminate it – find a way to hide from it.
The problem is that they have been unsuccessfully hiding from their pain for years by abandoning themselves – by staying focused in their head rather than their body, hoping that if they avoid feeling their feelings, the feelings will go away. They have been judging their feelings and turning to various addictions for the same reason.
When trouble comes, which it inevitably does, they intensify their avoidance of their feelings. Continue reading Are You Hiding?
Do you try to control during conflict, or are you conflict avoidant? Neither works well to resolve conflict. Discover what does work!
Leslie asks:
“When I approach my partner to address an issue, he only sees me as controlling and creating ‘controversy’. He can barely stand in the room for more than a minute…and it ALWAYS escalates into a big frustrating fight. It seems IMPOSSIBLE to deal with any issues with this man. What do you suggest?”
Leslie, I suggest that, instead of discounting what your partner says about you being controlling, you go inside and be honest with yourself regarding your intent. Are you certain that when you address an issue with your partner you are truly open to learning about his very good reasons for doing what he does and about why it is upsetting to you, or are you trying to get him to change? If you are trying to get him to change, then this is why he sees you as controlling. The fact that it always escalates into a big fight leads me to believe that you are trying to control rather than learn. If you were truly wanting to learn, then if he became resistant or agitated, you would move into an intent to learn about why he was feelings this way, or you would disengage rather than fight. Continue reading The Challenge of Conflict
Do you remember to make kindness your highest priority? Watching this 1 minute movie, “Kindness,” will remind you of the joy you can receive when choosing kindness.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah, and recommended . . . → Read More: Inspirational Video: Kindness
Infidelity is a huge challenge, but relationships can heal from this and actually become stronger.
Sheldon wrote this question to me during one of my free webinars:
“I am trying to repair my 20-year marriage after my infidelity. I was discovered by my wife two years ago. I had been visiting massage parlors and prostitutes for a period of three years. We spent six months in counseling and made a little progress, but stopped going because of issues with our counselor. My wife is still suspicious of me and has no trust in me at all. How long should I expect before I can regain a little bit of trust. I know that I can’t live the rest of my life like this.”
Sheldon, infidelity is a very challenging issue and there is much to learn from it. Something I’m not hearing in your question is what you have learned in the last two years since your wife discovered your infidelity. Visiting massage parlors and prostitutes is a sign of deep self-abandonment. Seeking these experiences indicates that you felt empty inside and were looking to be filled up externally through sexual experiences. If you have not done the inner work of discovering how you were abandoning yourself and have not learned to love yourself, fill yourself, and be a trustworthy loving adult toward yourself and your wife, then it is unrealistic for her to trust you. Continue reading Healing From Infidelity
Do you often crave solitude, or is being alone too lonely for you? There is an inherent reason for these differences.
“Language has created the word ‘loneliness’ to express the pain of being alone, and the word ‘solitude’ to express the glory of being alone.” –Benjamin Tillett
I find this quote very interesting in the light of recent research on introversion and extroversion.
The research indicates that introversion and extroversion are inborn qualities that stay with us our whole lives. About 20 percent of the population are introverts, which means that their nervous system is very different than that of extroverts. The nervous system of introverts is much more sensitive to stimulation and gets overloaded much more easily than that of extroverts. It is likely that introverts, looking at the above quote, might say, “Well, I’m not sure about the pain of being alone, but I certainly understand the glory of it.” Continue reading Loneliness versus Solitude
Giving to others from a full heart brings great joy. Watching this 1 minute movie, “What Brings You Joy To Give?,” will remind you of what you enjoy giving to others.
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured . . . → Read More: Inspirational Video: What Brings You Joy To Give?
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