Our country is stretched to the limit due to the cost of health care. Even with the new health care bill, there will be on going conflict over what we should do to provide people with affordable health care. But the reason that the problem seems irresolvable is a very complex one.

Let’s take Carrie as an example.

Very often, in my work with my clients, when I ask them what they are feeling they say, “I feel sad.” Often, they do not know why they feel sad.

Sadness comes from two very different sources.

Core Sadness

Core sadness is sadness that is in reaction to something that is happening or has happened externally. Many life situations can cause sadness, such as:

We all want to be respected by others. And, we would all love to have control over whether or not others treat us respectfully. Is this realistic?

Nigel, one of my clients, has a lot of confusion about this issue. He believes that people, especially his wife and children, “should” be respectful to him, and he gets very angry when they treat him disrespectfully – which they often do.

What Nigel has failed to understand  – which is what led him to seek my help – is that others are often a mirror of how we treat ourselves.

Much of my work with Nigel has centered around becoming aware of the many ways he disrespects himself and what would be respectful to himself.

Emotionally:

• He often judges his own feelings, discounting his feelings and telling himself that he “shouldn’t” feel this way.
• He often ignores his feelings, staying focused in his head instead of his body, and turning to addictions, such as sugar and TV to numb his feelings.
• He sees himself as a victim of others’ choices, making others responsible for his feelings rather than taking responsibility for his own pain and joy.

Physically:

When Zack and Tiffany started counseling with me, they were on the verge of divorce after 16 years of marriage. Neither really wanted to end the marriage, yet both were miserable. Both of them believed that their misery was because of the other person, and both could clearly articulate what the other person was doing wrong.

“Tiffany is just so distant and unaffectionate most of the time, and when we are together she is so critical of me. I can’t seem to do anything right in her eyes. I try really hard to please her, but no matter what I do, it’s not good enough.”

“I just can’t seem to connect with Zack. He’s a really nice guy but I just can’t feel anything with him. I feel irritated with him a lot and I don’t really know why. He just annoys me. I feel like he’s always wanting something from me and I just don’t like being around him. And he’s so darn nice! What’s wrong with me that I don’t like someone being so nice?”

I could see immediately that the underlying problem in this relationship was that both Zack and Tiffany were stuck in various forms of controlling behavior, yet neither of them were consciously trying to control.