Merilee wrote the following question to me in one of my relationship webinars:
“Hi Dr. Paul — One of my biggest struggles is being open to giving and receiving love, but also setting boundaries. I want to be loving, not controlling, but I don’t want people to say or treat me in ways that I don’t like. How to reconcile?”
Merilee, of course you don’t want people to treat you in ways that you don’t like. Who would want that? It’s painful when people treat us in unloving ways.
However, the real issue is to come to terms with what you can and can’t control. I get the feeling from your question that, while you don’t want to be controlling, you believe that setting boundaries gives you control over whether or not others treat you in ways you don’t like. Continue reading The Art of Setting Boundaries
Are you addicted to porn and not feeling good about it? Discover the likely underlying cause and what to do about it.
I received the following question when I was conducting a webinar on sexual addiction:
“I have had a pornography addiction since I was a teenager. I am now in my mid 30’s. For the past four months I have abstained through Inner Child work, but two days ago I visited a porn site and masturbated. I feel really sad about this. What is the best way to address this?”
Pornography addiction is quite common. At one of my Five-Day Couples’ Intensives, one of the men was working on his porn addiction and was feeling embarrassed about it. In an effort to help him, I asked, “How many of you are addicted to porn?” Among the six couples there, four of the men raised their hands. Continue reading Addicted to Porn?
Do you sometimes feel like you try to give your partner the connection he or she wants and can’t figure out how?
I was having a Skype session with Andrea and Lawrence. Married for 18 years with two teen-age children, their marriage was strained. When I asked Lawrence how things were going between them, his answer was the same as always: “Fine.” When I asked Andrea the same question, she got a pained look on her face. “Things are okay, but not great. I’m lonely with Lawrence so much of the time. We just can’t seem to connect.”
Loneliness is a huge problem in our society. It doesn’t have to be this way.
A study “followed nearly 45,000 people ages 45 and up who had heart disease or a high risk of developing the condition. Those who lived alone, the study found, were more likely to die from heart attacks, strokes, or other heart complications over a four-year period than people living with family or friends, or in some other communal arrangement.”http://www.cnn.com/2012/06/18/health/mental-health/loneliness-isolation-health/index.html
In his best-selling book, “Outliers,” Malcolm Gladwell opens with a study done in a small Pennsylvania town called Roseto, where people never die of heart attacks – due to the closeness and connections within their community. Continue reading Living Alone Can Kill You
Discover why you might be obsessing about an ex and how to stop.
“How do I stop allowing my ex to consume my thoughts?” asks Tammy.
“Is your ex consuming your thoughts, or are you consumed with your ex?” I ask.
“What’s the difference?” Tammy asks.
“The difference is that you are asking the question in such as way as to indicate that your ex is doing something, i.e. somehow consuming your thoughts. But is your ex really doing something, or are you choosing to be consumed with thoughts of your ex?”
Breaking down keeps you stuck, while breaking open allows you to discover the power within yourself.
“Something I didn’t want to happen, happens. I feel the resistance build within. I feel the pressure to control what is obviously out of my control. I become aware of what I’m doing—I become aware of the choice either to break down or to break open.” Elizabeth Lesser, Broken Open, p. 256
How aware are you that when bad things happen or something that you didn’t want to happen, happens, you have a choice of whether to break down or break open? This is what Elizabeth Lesser’s book, Broken Open, is about. It’s about using all our challenging life situations to open, on deeper and deeper levels, to our true, core essential selves. Unfortunately, many people do the opposite when deeply challenged—they numb and hide and avoid. They are afraid that if they let themselves break open to their deeper, spiritual selves, they will not be able to handle the painful feelings of heartbreak, loneliness, grief and helplessness over others and circumstances. Continue reading Breaking Down or Breaking Open
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