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By Dr. Margaret Paul June 08, 2020 Do you sometimes wonder if you really know the person you are dating? People often ask me how they can know whether or not someone they are dating is really an open and caring person. “He seems open and caring, but how can I . . . → Read More: You Don’t Really Know Someone Until You Have Conflict If you grew up in a family where one or both parents used anger to control you, then anger likely plays a role in your life now. Did you grow up with anger in your household? Did one or both of your parents use anger as a way to keep you in line . . . → Read More: Anger And Other Forms of Control The control-resist system guarantees you won’t have a wonderful anything. Adriann and Chandler are a sweet, successful couple in their early thirties. In spite of loving each other deeply, they often find themselves in conflict over seemingly minor issues, as most couples do. Recently, just one week before their 4th anniversary, they had a . . . → Read More: How Not To Have A Wonderful Celebration Discover why any kind of engaging when someone is angry is a waste of energy. “Rage can…shut off the hippocampus [linked to memory], and people with out-of-control anger may not be lying when they say they don’t recall what they said or did in that altered state of mind.” Mindsight, P.155 Daniel Siegel, M.D. Have . . . → Read More: Do You Remember What You Say When You are Enraged?  Comments are closed  Self Improvement & Personal Growth  anger, blame, communication, conflict resolution, enraged, grief, heartbreak, helplessness, Inner Bonding, loneliness, Margaret Paul, rage, relationship advice, Relationships Do you try to control during conflict, or are you conflict avoidant? Neither works well to resolve conflict. Discover what does work!
Leslie asks:
“When I approach my partner to address an issue, he only sees me as controlling and creating ‘controversy’. He can barely stand in the room for more than a minute…and it ALWAYS escalates into a big frustrating fight. It seems IMPOSSIBLE to deal with any issues with this man. What do you suggest?” Leslie, I suggest that, instead of discounting what your partner says about you being controlling, you go inside and be honest with yourself regarding your intent. Are you certain that when you address an issue with your partner you are truly open to learning about his very good reasons for doing what he does and about why it is upsetting to you, or are you trying to get him to change? If you are trying to get him to change, then this is why he sees you as controlling. The fact that it always escalates into a big fight leads me to believe that you are trying to control rather than learn. If you were truly wanting to learn, then if he became resistant or agitated, you would move into an intent to learn about why he was feelings this way, or you would disengage rather than fight. Continue reading The Challenge of Conflict       Do you get into fights that turn ugly as the conflict escalates? Discover how to stop doing this.
A participant in one of my webinars asked: “Is there any way to resolve conflict if you have two ‘escalating’ personalities trying to solve a problem? In other words, how do you resolve conflict between two very strong willed, always-right personalities, who tend to escalate with every attempt at solving conflict?”
There is a hard and fast rule about resolving conflict that most people find hard to remember: You cannot resolve conflict unless both people are open to learning. As long as each person is trying to be right, win, or at least not lose, no new learning can take place. Conflict resolves when new learning occurs due to both people being open to learning about themselves and each other. Continue reading Stop Escalating Conflict! |
 Listen to Dr. Margaret Paul's interview with Alanis Morissette |
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