Healing From Infidelity

Infidelity is a huge challenge, but relationships can heal from this and actually become stronger.


Sheldon wrote this question to me during one of my free webinars:

“I am trying to repair my 20-year marriage after my infidelity. I was discovered by my wife two years ago. I had been visiting massage parlors and prostitutes for a period of three years. We spent six months in counseling and made a little progress, but stopped going because of issues with our counselor. My wife is still suspicious of me and has no trust in me at all. How long should I expect before I can regain a little bit of trust. I know that I can’t live the rest of my life like this.”

Sheldon, infidelity is a very challenging issue and there is much to learn from it. Something I’m not hearing in your question is what you have learned in the last two years since your wife discovered your infidelity. Visiting massage parlors and prostitutes is a sign of deep self-abandonment. Seeking these experiences indicates that you felt empty inside and were looking to be filled up externally through sexual experiences. If you have not done the inner work of discovering how you were abandoning yourself and have not learned to love yourself, fill yourself, and be a trustworthy loving adult toward yourself and your wife, then it is unrealistic for her to trust you. Continue reading Healing From Infidelity

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedin

“I Don’t Know How To Give Her What She Wants From Me.”

Do you sometimes feel like you try to give your partner the connection he or she wants and can’t figure out how?


I was having a Skype session with Andrea and Lawrence. Married for 18 years with two teen-age children, their marriage was strained. When I asked Lawrence how things were going between them, his answer was the same as always: “Fine.” When I asked Andrea the same question, she got a pained look on her face. “Things are okay, but not great. I’m lonely with Lawrence so much of the time. We just can’t seem to connect.”

Lawrence became defensive. “I can never do things good enough or right enough for you. You are always unhappy about something.” Continue reading “I Don’t Know How To Give Her What She Wants From Me.”

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedin

Why Many Women Don’t Think About Sex

Are you a woman who rarely or never thinks about sex? Have you believed that was something wrong with you?


Laverne wrote the following to me:

“I have never had thoughts that picture me making love with my husband – or anyone else for that matter. I imagine connection, fun and feelings of love but never making love. If it was left up to me sex would never be on the agenda, just because it would never occur to me to make love. I know when my husband would like to make love, and I enjoy it when I do make love, but it would never cross my mind if he didn’t initiate. I feel I am missing being aware and connected to a part of me. Surely a reasonably balanced and mostly connected human being should have some sort of sex drive. Your thoughts and insights would be really appreciated. Thank you.” Continue reading Why Many Women Don’t Think About Sex

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedin

Is There Such A Thing As Sexual Addiction?

Is sexual addiction a real thing, or just an excuse for bad behavior?

In a recent article in CNN.com Blogs, (http://thechart.blogs.cnn.com/2012/03/29/new-book-questions-the-myth-of-sex-addiction/?hpt=hp_bn12) psychologist David Ley states in his new book, “The Myth of Sex Addiction,” that there is no such thing as sex addiction—that the term is just an excuse for bad behavior. I disagree with that position. In my view, the label of ‘addiction’ doesn’t excuse anything. That’s because my definition of addiction is anything we do to avoid taking responsibility for our feelings and the resulting behavior. Since my definition centers around choice, it is not about an illness that is ‘happening’ to you, and therefore cannot be used as an excuse.

In my experience, addictions are a result, not a cause. While they can cause many severe problems and even death, the underlying cause is the avoidance of responsibility for one’s own emotions, and sex addiction is no exception. Continue reading Is There Such A Thing As Sexual Addiction?

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedin

Will Your Next Marriage be Better?

Discover the surprising statistics about second and third marriages, and why they have such a poor success rate.

“It’s time for me to move on. I’ve learned so much – I just know that next time it will be better.”

“Our new relationship has a great chance, because we’ve both been married before and have learned a lot. We know that this time around we will do it so much better.”

Is this true? Apparently not!

According to research by Jennifer Baker, of the Forest Institute of Professional Psychology in Springfield, Missouri, while 50% of first marriages end in divorce, 67% of second marriages and 74% of third marriages end in divorce.

Is this surprising? Continue reading Will Your Next Marriage be Better?

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedin

5 Reasons Why You Might Want to End Your Relationship

When I married my ex-husband in 1963, I was determined to create a stable, loving relationship. I wanted an intact family where we could raise our children and share the joys of our grandchildren.

We did raise our children together, but ended the marriage after 30 years. We do get to share the joys of our grandchildren, but as friends rather than partners.

Through the process of our difficult marriage, and my 43 years of counseling individuals and couples, I learned much about why it is better for some relationships to end. Continue reading 5 Reasons Why You Might Want to End Your Relationship

facebooktwittergoogle_plusredditpinterestlinkedin