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My counseling clients often complain to me about interactions they had with a partner, friend, parents or co-worker. When I asked the question, “Why didn’t you speak up for yourself?” here are the most common answers I receive: “I want to keep the peace.”       “What’s the matter with you?” How often did you hear some variation of this when you were growing up? I heard it all the time. And what I learned to do was to desperately defend and explain in fruitless attempts to get my mom or dad to stop judging me and SEE me. Or I would apologize and become the “good girl,” so they would approve of me. Continue reading The Myth of Explaining and Defending Have you ever noticed how bad you feel when you try to control things you can’t control – such as others and outcomes? Larry consulted with me because he was often miserable – despite running a successful business, and having a lovely wife and two daughters, whom he adored. It soon became apparent that Larry was deeply addicted to controlling everything – his own feelings, how others felt about him, how well his employees performed, what his wife did for him, how well his children did in school, and whether or not anyone ever took advantage of him. His primary intent in life was to be in control and not be controlled. Continue reading Trying to Control Makes us Miserable Kari and Rudy consulted with me because they kept having conflicts over the same issues over and over – primarily money, chores, and child-rearing. They were nearing the decision to separate, believing that they were incompatible. I asked them to pick one of the issues and they picked a recent conflict regarding setting limits for their children. I asked them to discuss the issue and I immediately understood why they could not resolve their issues. I explained to them that there are always two levels of communication:
There are only two possible intents in discussing an issue with your partner: Continue reading Relationships: Do You Have the Same Conflicts Over and Over? Discover the 3 big false beliefs that lead to the burden of perfectionism, and the truth that heals these beliefs. . . . → Read More: “If I’m Perfect, No One Will Reject Me” – Healing Perfectionism Do you feel unloved? Do you know what would make you feel loved? Ask yourself: Who do you feel loved or unloved by? Your partner? Your parents? Your children? Yourself? God? Feeling Loved or Unloved by Yourself and/or God What does it mean to feel loved or unloved by yourself? You will likely feel unloved by yourself when you abandon yourself by: Continue reading Do You Feel Loved or Unloved? |
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