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Do you find yourself getting hurt over and over in relationships? Discover why. Do you find yourself falling hard for someone and then ending up feeling rejected and not good enough when it ends? This is the problem that Sabrina is having: “Why do I fall so hard for men? How can I . . . → Read More: “I Fall Too Hard In Love”  Comments are closed  Relationships  codependent relationships, Inner Bonding, inner child, loving yourself, Margaret Paul, neediness, Relationships, self worth, self-abandonment, self-love, self-rejection Sometimes we are clueless regarding the subtle ways we are trying to control, while being very aware of a partner’s controlling behavior.
Tara asked me the following question: “Dear Dr. Paul, How do you reach your spouse if they are narcissistic and shut down emotionally? He does not say anything when I explain inner bonding, intent or control – just stares. Even if I declare my love for him and my wish to be closer, he just nods his head! He is the son of narcissist father and borderline mother who both stepped out of his life when we married, He sees no reason to forgive anyone and he is not only defensive – he is offensive!!! Any conversation he must be in control. Help!!” Tara, I’m going to make the assumption that you knew some of these things about him before marrying him, or that you got swept off your feet by the narcissistic charm and didn’t take the time you needed to really know him before marrying him. Continue reading Can I Change A Narcissist?       Many of us know that we need to be loving to ourselves, but what does this actually mean? Since most of us had little or no role modeling regarding loving ourselves when we were growing up, it’s often challenging to know what loving ourselves looks like. It’s through my work with my inner . . . → Read More: What Does It Mean To Love Yourself? Are you aware of the system you have created with your partner that may be causing you pain?
I have worked with couples for 44 years, and one thing I can tell you for sure: relationships are a system, and each partner has an equal part of the system. People come together at their common level of woundedness – their common level of self-abandonment. In many relationships, each partner is very aware of the other person’s end of the system, but completely unaware of their own end. They tend to trigger the other person’s wounded self with their own wounded self, but they often don’t recognize their own wounded self. Here is an example of this:
Allison asks: “How do you suggest telling someone they’re doing something that hurts your feelings and to ask them to stop? My husband recently accused me of finding a way to blame my depressed feelings on him. He believes that I wake up in the morning feeling depressed and then try to find something to pin it on. My experience is that if he says something that bothers me and I don’t say something right when it happens or if he tells me I’m being defensive and I shut down, that I often wake up feeling resentful the next day, but when I tell him that I’m upset he gets defensive and tells me I have a problem.” Continue reading “How Can I Get Him To Stop Hurting Me?” What was valued and approved of in your family as you were growing up?
When you were growing up, how did you learn to define your worth? Here are some of the things my clients have said to me:
Are you focusing on getting your partner to change to avoid a painful choice that you might need to make? If you find yourself often focused on healing others or hoping you can get others to change, it is likely that you don’t think of this as an addiction. I define an addiction . . . → Read More: Addiction to Getting Others To Change |
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