The Challenge of Not Being Reactive

By Dr. Margaret Paul June 15, 2020

How do you generally react when another is being unloving? How do you wish you could respond? “When Eddie blames me, I react so fast, before I have a chance to get my loving adult onboard. I’m explaining and defending before I can even take a . . . → Read More: The Challenge of Not Being Reactive

How To Love Yourself When Someone Is Being A Victim

Do you know how to love yourself in the face of someone complaining to you and being a victim? . . . → Read More: How To Love Yourself When Someone Is Being A Victim

“How Can I Get Him To Stop Hurting Me?”

Are you aware of the system you have created with your partner that may be causing you pain?

I have worked with couples for 44 years, and one thing I can tell you for sure: relationships are a system, and each partner has an equal part of the system. People come together at their common level of woundedness – their common level of self-abandonment. In many relationships, each partner is very aware of the other person’s end of the system, but completely unaware of their own end. They tend to trigger the other person’s wounded self with their own wounded self, but they often don’t recognize their own wounded self. Here is an example of this:

Allison asks:

“How do you suggest telling someone they’re doing something that hurts your feelings and to ask them to stop? My husband recently accused me of finding a way to blame my depressed feelings on him. He believes that I wake up in the morning feeling depressed and then try to find something to pin it on. My experience is that if he says something that bothers me and I don’t say something right when it happens or if he tells me I’m being defensive and I shut down, that I often wake up feeling resentful the next day, but when I tell him that I’m upset he gets defensive and tells me I have a problem.” Continue reading “How Can I Get Him To Stop Hurting Me?”


Blaming Others Can Ruin Your Health

This article on CNN Health –– by Elizabeth Cohen, is very interesting, regarding the negative health effects of blame and resentment.

“Feeling bitter interferes with the body’s hormonal and immune systems, according to Carsten Wrosch, an associate professor of psychology at Concordia University in Montreal….”

“The data that negative mental states cause heart problems is just stupendous. The data is just as established as smoking, and the size of the effect is the same.”
–Dr. Charles Raison

Blame ignites the body’s fight or flight stress mechanism. If we actually fight, then the stress hormones will dissipate, but “When our bodies are constantly primed to fight someone, the increase in blood pressure and in chemicals such as C-reactive protein eventually take a toll on the heart and other parts of the body” states Raison.

It is now well known that 90% of illness has its source in stress – and blame, resentment and bitterness certainly cause much stress. Continue reading Blaming Others Can Ruin Your Health


The Happiness Choice

Do you know what major choice you can make that creates either happiness or misery? Discover that choice in this article! . . . → Read More: The Happiness Choice