Sometimes we are clueless regarding the subtle ways we are trying to control, while being very aware of a partner’s controlling behavior.
Tara asked me the following question:
“Dear Dr. Paul, How do you reach your spouse if they are narcissistic and shut down emotionally? He does not say anything when Iexplain inner bonding, intent or control – just stares. Even if I declare my love for him and my wish to be closer, he just nods his head! He is the son of narcissist father and borderline mother who both stepped out of his life when we married, He sees no reason to forgive anyone and he is not only defensive – he is offensive!!! Any conversation he must be in control. Help!!”
Tara, I’m going to make the assumption that you knew some of these things about him before marrying him, or that you got swept off your feet by the narcissistic charm and didn’t take the time you needed to really know him before marrying him. Continue reading Can I Change A Narcissist?
Many of us know that we need to be loving to ourselves, but what does this actually mean?
Since most of us had little or no role modeling regarding loving ourselves when we were growing up, it’s often challenging to know what loving ourselves looks like. It’s through my work with my inner . . . → Read More: What Does It Mean To Love Yourself?
What was valued and approved of in your family as you were growing up?
When you were growing up, how did you learn to define your worth? Here are some of the things my clients have said to me:
In my family, we were valued when we got good grades. My parents were very intelligent and accomplished in their professions and they obviously defined themselves and us by our intelligence and performance. I am more the right-brain creative type and never did very well in school. I have always felt inadequate.
My parents were both very attractive, and this is what they seemed to value in themselves and in us. I’m average looking and I’ve always felt inadequate.
My father was an excellent athlete and wanted the same for me. I’m not the athletic type. I’d rather stay home and read. My father always ridiculed me for this. I still feel inadequate that I’m not into sports like so many other guys. Continue reading Do You Define Your Adequacy By Looks and/or Performance?
Discover what you may need to address before deciding whether you can be friends with an ex partner.
Elise writes:
“My partner and I separated a year ago. My partner now wants to finalize the relationship but work on being ‘friends’. I am having difficulty connecting as just ‘friends’, it seems to trigger all my old wounds of rejection and abandonment. Do you have any advice?”
Elise, the fact that your old rejection and abandonment wounds are getting triggered is a great opportunity for you to become aware of how you are rejecting and abandoning yourself. This is the real issue in the present. Old rejection and abandonment wounds get healed when we learn to give ourselves the love, compassion, gentleness, tenderness, caring and understanding that we didn’t receive as children.
Are you conflict-avoidant? Does conflict terrify you? Discover how to heal this.
Angela writes:
“I avoid conflict as much as possible because I cannot handle the anxiety it produces in me, as if I am going to die, even when I am in the presence of other people that are in conflict. I am aware that I abandon myself many times because I do not stand or fight for what I believe is right for me. I know we are going to encounter conflict in our daily life, it is part of it and I do not want to keep on feeling small at the presence of conflict. I want to be able to speak my truth, ask for what I need or stand for what I believe is right. How can I transform this, that is, how can I handle the anxiety and approach conflict in a more centered way?”
I completely understand what Angela experiences, as I used to feel the same anxiety, feeling like I was going to die. It took me many years to understand what I needed to do in conflict to no longer fear it. Continue reading Staying Centered in Conflict
Discover when getting things done is healthy, and when it is unhealthy and obsessive.
There are many addictive ways that most of us have learned to avoid our painful feelings, and focusing on getting things done is often one of these ways.
It’s not that there is anything wrong with getting things done. Most of us have a lot that we need to do and we may feel stressed when we don’t get done what we need to do. It is certainly not addictive to make lists and be self-disciplined enough to follow through on our lists.
Whether or not it is addictive depends on your intent. If your intent is to be a responsible self-disciplined adult, then getting things done is healthy, loving action toward yourself. But when your intent is to use your list and obsessively getting things done as a way to avoid responsibility for your feelings, then it becomes addictive. Continue reading Addiction To Getting Things Done
Comments are closed 
Listen to Dr. Margaret Paul's interview with 
