Relationships: Hanging in Through the Hard Stuff

When Isabel and Lloyd met, they both felt that this was the relationship they had each been looking for. They could talk for hours. They were each deeply interested in learning about and getting to know each other. The chemistry between them was incredible. They had both been through previous marriages and both felt they were ready for a loving relationship. They enjoyed reading the same books and they both seemed open to learning.

For a few months, everything went well. But the first few months of a relationship is the honeymoon period – the period before the deeper fears of rejection and engulfment surface. These issues will inevitably surface, as everyone has them to one degree or another. Problems arise, not just because issues surface, but because of how each partner responds to – or reacts to – these issues.

Relationships provide a wonderful arena for healing our issues when both people are willing to do their own learning and hang in through the hard times. If you are a person who knows you are courageous, tenacious and willing to learn through the hard times, then your challenge is to be open to knowing whether or not your partner is on the same page.

Isabel and Lloyd ran into problems when Isabel’s fears of abandonment surfaced and she started to pull on Lloyd to make her feel safe, and Lloyd’s fear of engulfment surfaced and he started to pull away from Isabel. It’s a chicken-and-egg situation that is not caused just by one person. As people become more attached to each other, their deep fears of rejection/abandonment and/or of engulfment surface. It’s not about one person moving into their wounded self and then triggering the other – it’s about both people moving into their wounded selves and triggering each other.

As Lloyd started to shut down out of his fear of losing himself, he triggered Isabel’s fears of abandonment, and as Isabel became more needy and made Lloyd responsible for her feelings, she triggered Lloyd into his fears of engulfment.

If both of them had been devoted to learning and healing, they could have gradually healed these issues within the relationship arena. But Lloyd was a runner. First he would give himself up, over and over, and then he would end the relationship. He did not have the devotion to his own growth, nor the tenacity to heal his fears, that is required to build a loving relationship.

After Lloyd left and then came back a number of times, Isabel finally realized that the relationship had become unsafe for her to do her healing work. Isabel was very dedicated to healing her fears of rejection/abandonment, and was very open to learning in her sessions with me. She was heartbroken that Lloyd did not have the courage, devotion and tenacity that she did. She knew they loved each other, but she finally had to accept that Lloyd was not going to hang in through the hard times. He was more interested in ‘peace’ and ‘safety’ than in learning. Sometimes learning is tumultuous and anything but peaceful. True inner peace and a deep sense of inner safety come from healing the underlying fears of rejection and engulfment, not from avoiding them.

I encourage you to go inside and be honest with yourself. Are you willing to hang in through the hard times, or are you a runner? If you discover that you are a runner, what are you so afraid of in hanging in through the hard times?

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Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is a best-selling author of 8 books, relationship expert, and co-creator of the powerful Inner Bonding® process – featured on Oprah, and recommended by actress Lindsay Wagner and singer Alanis Morissette. Are you are ready to heal your pain and discover your joy? Click here for a FREE Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com/welcome and visit our website at http://www.innerbonding.com for more articles and help. Phone and Skype Sessions Available. Join the thousands we have already helped and visit us now!