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Many of us know that we need to be loving to ourselves, but what does this actually mean? Since most of us had little or no role modeling regarding loving ourselves when we were growing up, it’s often challenging to know what loving ourselves looks like. It’s through my work with my inner . . . → Read More: What Does It Mean To Love Yourself? Are you aware of the system you have created with your partner that may be causing you pain?
I have worked with couples for 44 years, and one thing I can tell you for sure: relationships are a system, and each partner has an equal part of the system. People come together at their common level of woundedness – their common level of self-abandonment. In many relationships, each partner is very aware of the other person’s end of the system, but completely unaware of their own end. They tend to trigger the other person’s wounded self with their own wounded self, but they often don’t recognize their own wounded self. Here is an example of this:
Allison asks: “How do you suggest telling someone they’re doing something that hurts your feelings and to ask them to stop? My husband recently accused me of finding a way to blame my depressed feelings on him. He believes that I wake up in the morning feeling depressed and then try to find something to pin it on. My experience is that if he says something that bothers me and I don’t say something right when it happens or if he tells me I’m being defensive and I shut down, that I often wake up feeling resentful the next day, but when I tell him that I’m upset he gets defensive and tells me I have a problem.” Continue reading “How Can I Get Him To Stop Hurting Me?”       Are you focusing on getting your partner to change to avoid a painful choice that you might need to make? If you find yourself often focused on healing others or hoping you can get others to change, it is likely that you don’t think of this as an addiction. I define an addiction . . . → Read More: Addiction to Getting Others To Change We all deeply desire connection with others, but what is necessary for us to have this?
When we were born, the most important thing to us was connection with our mother. We needed connection with her body for adequate sustenance. We needed emotional connection with her, or with someone, to feel safe, and to develop the ability to regulate our feelings. Connection with someone was essential to our physical survival and our emotional well being.
When we are fortunate enough to have a healthy experience of connection with our parents, we grow up feeling loved, lovable and safe. But in order to have this healthy connection, our parents or other caregivers need to be connected with themselves. They cannot fully connect with us if they are disconnected from themselves. Continue reading Connection: Our Deepest Desire
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 Listen to Dr. Margaret Paul's interview with Alanis Morissette |
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