By Dr. Margaret Paul
September 06, 2020

When someone does something that scares or hurts you, do you lovingly manage your pain or do try to control them?

When I was a very young child, I quickly learned to jump out of myself whenever my mother was angry at me – which was often. Her anger was very scary to me and I wanted to get her to stop. Sometimes I felt so crushed and shattered by her anger that I felt like I was going to die. So I would jump out of myself to try to please her, hoping that this would get her to like me instead of hate me.

Of course, I continued doing this in my marriage, as my husband’s anger scared me just as much as my mother’s. I didn’t realize that any time I went out of myself instead of going inside and tending to my own feelings (which I couldn’t do as a child and didn’t know how to do as a young adult) I was abandoning myself.

Today I’m so grateful that I know how to go in instead of go out. 

I want to share with you exactly what I do now.

Having practiced Inner Bonding for many years, I’m now instantly tuned into my feelings. When someone I’m close to gets angry at me, or even just disconnects from themselves and therefore from me, I immediately feel the loneliness and heartbreak of that within me. Whereas that heartbreak used to be the trigger for me to try to control them, now it is the signal for me to go in and compassionately tend to my feelings. Here is exactly what I do:

• The minute I’m aware of the loneliness and heartbreak, I put my hands on my heart. I’ve found that doing this grounds me in my body. It’s a way of pulling my focus within and bringing warmth to my heartbreak.
• I say to my spiritual guidance, “I need your love and support right now. Thank you for being with me in my heart – for bringing your love and compassion into my heart.” I feel the warmth, love and strength of my guidance within.
• I bring that love and compassion down to my little girl within, reassuring her that she is not alone. I say, “I’m here Sweetie. You are not alone. Spirit is here – we are not alone. I know that this person’s disconnection from themselves and from you feels so lonely and heartbreaking to you right now, but this has nothing to do with you. He/she is having a hard time, that’s all.” I stay very connected with myself and my guidance.
• I stay with my feelings for a long as it take for them to move through me. Then I say to my guidance, “I give them to you and I ask for acceptance and peace within.
• Then I open to learning with my guidance to see if there is any information I need regarding the person who hurt or scared me.

The key is to stay connected with myself and with my guidance, rather than disconnecting and going outside myself.

Of course, when I used to disconnect from myself, my little girl felt abandoned by me, which made her feel very scared and alone. Now that I don’t disconnect from her in the face of another’s anger or disconnection, she feels safe – even when another person is angry at me or disconnected from themself and from me.

In the past, when I disconnected from myself in the face of another’s anger or disconnection, I would end up feeling angry and victimized. I would give myself up, trying to placate them, and I would say things to myself like, “How dare they treat me this way,” or “I don’t deserve this treatment.” Sometimes I would punish them with my own anger or withdrawal, or by ‘speaking up for myself,’ which did nothing to help my inner child feel loved or safe. It often took days for me to get back to inner peace.

Now, because I don’t disconnect from myself, I don’t lose my peace. I no longer need to punish the other person or try to control them in any way – as long as I stay connected with myself and my guidance and take responsibility for my painful feelings, even when they are being caused by others.

Sometimes it’s important to open to learning with the other person – when both of you are open – and lovingly discuss the issue. Other times the issue will seem to evaporate when both of you are once again open.

Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: “Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships.”

Join IBVillage to connect with others and receive compassionate help and support for learning to love yourself.

Image by ElinaElena from Pixabay