“I don’t trust you,” Allen said to me on the first day of a 5-Day Intensive. “Actually, I don’t trust anyone.”
“Do you trust yourself?”
“What do you mean?”
“Does your inner child feel that he can trust you to be kind, caring and accepting of him, to take good care of your health and your finances, and to speak up for him with others?”
“No, not at all.”
“So do you think it is possible that your not trusting me or others is a projection of your inner child not trusting you as a loving adult?”
Obviously, this was the truth. Allen was very overweight, was addicted to numerous substances, was living on the edge financially, and was in the process of getting a divorce.
Rather than focusing on whether or not another person is trustworthy, try focusing on whether or not you are loving yourself and being a trustworthy loving adult for your own inner child. True inner safety is not created by trying to get others to take care of you in a trustworthy way, but by being reliably trustworthy for yourself.
What does it mean to love yourself enough to be a trustworthy loving adult?
Think for a moment about what you want from others. Most of us want the people close to us to be honest, kind and accepting. We want them to be interested in us, to listen to us, to care about our feelings, and to do what they say they are going to do. We want them to truly care about both our pain and our joy and to support our highest good. Many people get angry and critical when others are not trustworthy.
Yet how often do you love yourself enough to do these exact things for yourself? How often do you love yourself by noticing your feelings and attending to any distress? How often do you love yourself by being kind to yourself instead of judgmental? How often do you abandon yourself by promising yourself to eat better, exercise more, stop smoking, stop drinking, work harder, play more, get more rest…and then don’t follow through on your promise to yourself? How often do you abandon yourself by telling yourself lies that scare you – statements that your wounded self has decided are true, but that actually have no basis in truth?
Until you decide to become a trustworthy loving adult for your inner child, you will not feel safe, no matter how trustworthy others are. You will not trust others until you can trust yourself to be loving to yourself.
Being a trustworthy loving adult means that you consistently show up for yourself in all areas of your life – physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, organizationally, and in your relationships with others.
Loving yourself means that you care about your body – the temple of your beautiful essence – by feeding yourself healthy food, getting enough exercise and rest, wearing protective gear in dangerous situations, avoiding unnecessary toxins, and not causing unnecessary emotional stress.
Loving yourself means that you practice staying in Step One of Inner Bonding – staying tuned into your feelings so that you can attend to any stress that arises, moving into Inner Bonding to discover the truth and the loving action, and taking loving action on your own behalf.
Loving yourself means staying connected with your spiritual Guidance throughout the day so that you never feel alone and abandoned, and consistently following the guidance you are given.
Loving yourself means finding work you love and earning enough money to feel financially safe. It means not going into debt by spending more than you earn, and saving for the future. It also means spending some money on the things that truly bring you joy.
Loving yourself means keeping your environment organized so that you don’t feel overwhelmed, paying bills on time, being on time, and following through on commitments.
Loving yourself means being kind and caring with others while speaking up for yourself, rather than giving yourself up or allowing yourself to be violated.
Becoming a loving, trustworthy adult is a process. The more you practice Inner Bonding, the more you will gradually develop your trustworthy loving adult.
Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: “Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships.”
Join IBVillage to connect with others and receive compassionate help and support for learning to love yourself.
Photo by dMz
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