Where do you believe your best and worst feelings come from regarding love and relationships? Most people have some major misconceptions about this.
What the Wounded Self Believes…
• My sense of worth comes from others liking me and loving me.
• My sense of safety comes from others taking care of me.
• My good feelings come from someone loving me.
• My good feelings come from someone having sex with me.
• My good feelings come from having control over how others feel about me.
• My hurt comes from others disapproving of me and not liking or loving me.
• My fear and feelings of abandonment come from others disapproving of me or leaving me.
The wounded self believes that our best feelings come from others loving us and our worst feelings come from others abandoning us.
What the Loving Adult Knows …
The loving adult knows that my best feelings come from:
• Taking 100% responsibility for my own feelings
• Being connected with Spirit and bringing love to my inner child
• Taking loving action on my own behalf
• Giving love to myself and sharing my love with others, rather than trying to get love
The loving adult knows that being loving to ourselves and others is what fills us up, and that trying to have control over getting love and avoiding pain leaves us feeling empty inside.
The loving adult knows that my worst feelings come from abandoning myself through:
• Judging myself and lying to myself
• Ignoring my feelings
• Turning to addictions, rather than taking responsibility for my feelings
• Making others responsible for my feelings of worth, safety, and lovability
The loving adult knows that it is self-abandonment, not being abandoned by others, that creates our fear, anxiety, depression, and emptiness.
An Example…
Harrison had been practicing Inner Bonding for a while when the following situation brought home to him what really creates good feelings and what creates bad feelings.
Harrison had been dating Kathleen for 6 months when they mutually agreed to end the relationship because Kathleen wanted children and Harrison didn’t. It was hard for them to break up because they were physically attracted to each other, but they both knew that the children issue was a deal-breaker.
A month or so after breaking up, Kathleen called Harrison to get together. He knew in his gut that they would end it up having sex if they got together. He heard his inner child say, “No, this is not what I want,” but his wounded self wanted to feel loved for a few hours.
“I just wanted that good safe feeling that comes from having sex and feeling cared for. But afterwards I felt awful. I’m not quite sure why I felt so bad.”
“Harrison,” I said, “When you decided to have sex with Kathleen, weren’t you handing your inner child over to her? Isn’t this what you have generally done in your relationships?”
“Yes, I have. But it feels so good to feel loved.”
“But it feels so bad to abandon yourself. Are you convincing yourself that your bad feelings are coming from not seeing Kathleen again, rather than from abandoning yourself?”
“Oh! I see! I’m feeling bad because I abandoned myself! I can see that I always do this in relationships thinking that my best feelings come from being loved, but I always end up feeling smothered and engulfed in my relationships because I abandon myself to get that momentary good feeling. This is why my relationships are not working!”
While getting love from others always feels good for the moment, when we abandon ourselves to get love, we will always end up feeling bad. The wounded self wants to believe that our bad feelings are coming from not being loved by the other, but they are really coming from having abandoned ourselves to get love.
Join Dr. Margaret Paul for her 30-Day at-home Course: “Love Yourself: An Inner Bonding Experience to Heal Anxiety, Depression, Shame, Addictions and Relationships.”
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